Amusing TalesAuction Property

Oh Mother, Well WTF Happened To My Roof And My Windows???

I swear to God this is what the buyer said when they saw the flat they bought at auction.

Just look at it:



Now I have never been to Motherwell – which is a suburb on the outskirts of Glasgow – but let me tell you even WITHOUT a roof and windows a 3 bedroom flat with a guide price of just £2,500 has got to be F**KING AWFUL – which is the complete opposite to my favourite word of the month: AWESOME.

Which this flat clearly is not.  And neither, do I believe, is the place.

Motherwell, although I have never visited it, I believe is a hole.  And if it’s not a hole, it should be in a hole.  And then it should be covered up very rapidly by some incredibly industrious badgers who like covering holes.  That’s the sort of hole I think it is.  Although – a covered hole would be the preferred option.  By the aforementioned badgers.

I tried to go on google maps and streetview Motherwell.  But it hurt Google’s eyes.  And my laptop refused to talk to me.

And then I used my iPhone.  Which turned itself off.  Which isn’t surprising – it is an iPhone.

And now I have pondered some more on my spurious assertions about this roofless, windowless 3 bed flat with a guide price of £2.5k in a place which I have never visited, but nevertheless believe should be covered in a hole, very deftly and very quickly.  By badgers.

And then I wondered if I was being unkind, because I found a former photograph from some sort of hidden archive (the secret love society of Motherwell) which shows the flat with windows and a roof.  Although, it has to be said: it is still in Motherwell.




But I guess that was them *halcyon* days where everything was just plain peachy.  And everyone was high.  That was before the trees refused to grow.  And even the badgers didn’t want to dig: they were probably too high.

And it occurs to me that in all my revelry of Motherwell I still know nothing more.

And so I bribe Mr Google to work for me.  I stroke his googley legs and arms very seductively.  Lustfully, even.  And he spits out the following with a disgusted electro-burp and I feel vindicated.  Even if it is virtual.

Because here is the living proof – word-for-word from someone who had the misfortune to live in Motherwell.  But they made it out alive.

Before the badgers moved in.

“Motherwell, what a sh*thole

I had the misfortune to live in motherwell during my formative teen years, and also met my now ex-wife there (so i suppose i am slightly biased).

motherwell is between hamilton and bellshill, and seems to attract most of the pond life from there and other sattelite towns so they can congregate in “strathy park”. now dont let the “park” bit of the description mislead you, most of the green space is used up by dead tramps, used needles and empty buckfast (or fu*k fast) bottles, and as such i would not recommend taking the kids down for a picnic.

if you manage to treck through thie no-mans land inhabited by gold wearing saliva dripping monkeys without getting mugged/stabbed/infected/leg humped, you will come across an “amusement park” (i use the term very loosely) which is a mecca to the pram pushing chavettes, all looking for the father of their offspring (as most of them were concieved in the adjacent car park). they remind me of salmon, returning to the place of their birth to spawn more little snotty nosed primark clothed under nourished (fruit pastells are not part of your five a day)little darlings.

to be fair, its not the kids fault…..when your main role model is “anna marie, fae the moerwell young crew” who loves nothing more than letting drugged up chavs sh*ag them, then knock them about, and whos main highlight is nothing more than to skip to the local asian corner shop on giro day, and buy as many richmond fags and buckfast as her “brew” will allow.

so all in all, avoid motherwell, in fact, avoid lanarkshire, in fact (and as a scotsman i say this with a heavy heart) avoid the south of scotland all together”

Quoted in entirety from: Chavtowns


  1. Stuart

    Well, fore warned is fore armed as they say.
    Just paid a quick visit courtesy of Google Earth (as I’ve never been there…unlike the badgers) and thought you might be interested to hear that Motherwell has a Heritage Centre. Yes it does. Make of that what you will! Also, some of the pictures looked quite attractive (not the railway station though). Weblink (above) is to the Heritage Centre not to me!
    Not affiliated to Motherwell or Scotland. Not even Scottish. Truth be told, I suspect that Motherwell is much the same as many other suburbs in depressed areas and that the comments from the extract you used would be recognisable by many in relation to their own towns. Property development-wise, it goes to show that you really need to do your research when buying away from the area you know.

    1. Sam

      Hi, Thanks Stuart – I enjoyed the link and if I ever get that way (!!!) I will be sure to check out the Motherwell Heritage Centre with “the award-winning Technopolis interactive experience and an impressive fifth-floor viewing tower”…probably not quite like the Shard 🙂

      You are right about really doing your homework before any property development – IMHO this flat seems to have done the rounds in the auction rooms where people have bought blind and thought to themselves “how wrong can you go…”

      Well, they don’t know what we know, do they?!

  2. Alan

    This post is brilliant, i laughed quite a lot and i quote, “I tried to go on google maps and street view Motherwell. But it hurt Google’s eyes”

    I do not need to patronize any reader by elaborating on large towns and cities containing grim hell holes as well as treasures, I also find it hard to take too much notice of the posts on chavtowns.co.uk as many of the posts are written by individuals who have been through specific experiences themselves (understandable) and as stated whether your buying or moving to a property, you are solely responsible for your purchase so if no research is done then expect the unexpected, I’m currently based in Northwest London right next to where the UK held its first official “Projects” (now knocked down). Some people i meet are shocked at the level of crime, where as i’m shocked that they didn’t look into crime rates before moving here. Either way entertaining Post

    1. Sam

      Thanks Alan, I’m pleased 🙂

      I’m chuffed you also mentioned: “I tried to go on google maps and street view Motherwell. But it hurt Google’s eyes” that was my most fave sentence as well 🙂

      I’m saddened to hear you don’t think Chavtowns will be a reliable research resource for me 🙂

      1. Rachel

        Well, Sam, after clicking Ruth’s link, I stumbled upon this latest post on my favourite website following a tough couple of weeks propertying. You made me spit out neat, therapeutic scotch over my Mac keyboard. Classic post. Again. Well done, keep it coming!

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