Amusing Tales

Can A Dwarf Be An Estate Agent When They Have To Deal With Trees?

Unbelievably I have scored another property viewing today…and it was a same day appointment!

Joe the lovely guy at Hatched, could probably tell I was rather stretched and stressed – and asked me “was I sure I could make it” too many times.  Well, I was stressed and stretched and any other harassed word beginning with ‘S’ – but this was my opportunity to shine – this was my opportunity to again step into the spotlight as an estate agent!

So having received additional feedback from Hatched about my previous viewing – that the viewers liked the house, but they thought the entrance to the property was too narrow – I decided to take a different tack this time round.

Now the couple who viewed my property the other day were not overly large, in fact, if I am allowed to say (and not be attacked for “Dwarfism”) they were in fact rather short.  I remember this because I am 5 foot 2” and so most people to me appear seemingly large and tree-like – even if they are only normal height.

Anyway, Hatched had found the feedback rather odd – I would agree – however I know people are people – and so what can you do?

So, I decided this time, perhaps the issue had been previously, that I had led the viewers from the rear entrance down the garden path – literally.  And then we had got to the house.

So today, I am wiser – I am not going to be accused of having a “narrow entrance” to my property – I am going to lead the viewer round the LONG way to the front of the house.  This process takes approximately 10 seconds more – but you know, when you are trying to impress – 10 seconds is a long time.

We get to the front of the property and there I am trying to open the front door.  I cannot do it. I know it is the right key and it works – but damn it, I have never actually used the front door from the outside before – I have only ever unlocked it from the inside.

Well, after several embarrassing minutes of me making small talk, while trying to wedge the key unceremoniously into the lock, I abandon the idea of the key working.

“So” I exclaim “if you just admire the front garden, I am going to go around the back and let you in from the front”.

I scamper round the back as fast as my short little legs in high heels will let me.

“Hello” I smile far-too-widely as I manage to open the front door from the inside – “Just isn’t it a lovely front garden!”

The viewer nods obediently – but I think she does really like the garden – admittedly she seems to have spent an inordinate amount of time standing in it – but hey – she is playing along with my “estate agent game”.

We make it into the house and when we get into the kitchen her eyes LIGHT UP – and I mean LIGHT UP I can tell she is impressed.

And I am impressed, that she is impressed.

She walks over to the fabled Neff Range and she *strokes* it.  I am enjoying every delicious minute.

Miss Viewer turns to me slyly “I have been admiring this kitchen for ages on Rightmove”

Well, I am stoked. Literally. I am about to burst with pride and excitement and so I let rip – I talk *at* her in far too much and intimate detail about the orange glass splash-back  about the range, about the designer tap, the sink…I am sure she wished she had never said anything!  But she quietly nods in agreement and seems to take pleasure from my pleasure (in a non-50-shades-of-grey-way).

So we make it to the cloakroom which she suitably admires and adds “Cute blind”

I take her to the lounge which she adores for the sunlight and “lack of draught” from the aluminium patio doors (yes, I know I should have probably replaced them!) And she seems positively bowled over by the décor.

I take her upstairs pointing out the expensive stripy staircase carpet, the spacious hallway and every other tedious detail which she really never needed to know (and maybe never wanted to know) but in my fantasy role I am ON FIRE.  I am just loving it and revelling in the attention which my house is getting.

So we get to the bathroom – and remember this is the bathroom which I didn’t actually do too much with – and I hold my breath nervously…will she, won’t she…like it?

“Oh WOW” She exclaims “that is a great size bathroom and even nicer in real life than in the photos”

Well I am set to burst. Seriously I was going to pop with excitement.

So I take her downstairs because now it’s time to admire the private, large and mature garden.

And we’re there talking and she’s telling me about her life and all.  And I’m listening intently as I’m wanting to hear a buying signal – I’m wanting to know – “Where does my house fit in with your life?”.

And so she tells me, that she owns a property but she hasn’t sold it yet.

“Oh” I say…not wanting to appear too disappointed, and inside tutting loudly

“Have you got it on the market” I enquire politely.

“No” she responds flatly.

Well, that’s me buggered then I think to myself – while smiling very sweetly in return and wondering what it is I am meant to say next?

“But” she brightens “I have been to see a mortgage advisor and I have found out I can rent out the property I live in and I can buy somewhere else for me to live in.  In effect, I am going to chain free”

Oh” I cry so delighted.  “That’s wonderful news”

And scared that I may pick her up and swing up her round in an excited and exaggerated “parent-child-style’ circle (which a dwarf definitely shouldn’t do to a person of tree-like proportions) I firmly shove my hands in my pockets and cross my fingers…

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