Amusing Tales

Today I ended up in a Bangkok Brothel

After my initiation into Bangcock beer I decided that I was starting to feel more adventurous…Yes I was getting into the swing of things!

So having heard so much about Thai massage I decided I should sample one! Okay so we’ve been here now – ooooh all of 5 hours. Call it jetlag, call it heatstroke – I was feeling brave (and this is after the sex-ploits of Anna\’s Bar!)

OK so I knew about the massage parlours and decided I wanted a massage that didn’t have a “happy ending”. So I decided to seek out a “proper” Thai massage – yes we’re talking just a massage.

And so I see a place which looks clean and very conservative.  The girls are all wearing smart pink uniforms and in a word I would say it looks “corporate” – which to my mind means safe!  There are a mix of both women and men in chairs who are having foot massages. I reckon it looks kosha – and so we go in. We order a foot massage, sit back and relax…

Then the guy next to me starts whispering in his masseuse’s ear..I start to wonder if he’s asking about the possibility of a “happy ending” and smirk to myself…Then suddenly he turns to me:

“Are you Russian?” he asks me in a perfectly cut English accent

I am rather taken aback – being far too short and dark haired to be mistaken for a Russian – I laugh out loud – “No” I retort “I am English!”

He looks rather embarrassed – and apologises profusely…but continues talking as my feet and legs get oiler and increasingly pummelled.

His name is Tony, he is an ex-pat who left England 9 years ago and has lived in Bangkok ever since. He’s a former antiques dealer who now teaches English. Tony seems pretty settled and living the ex-pat dream – married to a Thai girl, working one day per week and living in a great city with a fantastic lifestyle that few could afford.

I introduce him to the better half (being oiled up next to me) and Tony invites us to go to a few bars with him so that we can see the local sights. Given we have only just arrived and are getting our bearings and he has lived here for years, it seems a great opportunity to see some more of the city. So we leave the massage place and Tony flags down a taxi…at this point Dimitris and I exchange nervous glances *thinking* “what have we let ourselves in for!!”

A few seconds later – and just 300 metres further than from where Tony flagged the taxi down it stops. We get out. I’m rather confused. That has got to be the shortest taxi ride on record. The meter hasn’t even moved!

So we are now outside a bar called “Naughty Girls”. “Really?” – I say to myself.  Yes – really – we’re going into “Naughty Girls”. Now the name of the bar may sound raunchy – but it doesn’t really look much. It’s a long narrow bar with a few bar stools out front and pictures of the king. And the girls – well apart from the hotpants (which appear to be all the rage in Bangkok) don’t look that naughty – they look pretty normal if you ask me!

So as we sit drinking a beer, Tony talks about the importance of the King to Thai society and the importance of prostitution to the local economy. He talks frankly about all the bar girls being hookers.  Now I’m not a hooker expert – but I have to say they don’t look particularly “hooker-ish”

Tony then finishes his drink in super lightening speed and proclaims we are to visit his “favourite” bar.  Well after “Naughty Girls” I am wondering what will follow next…so we walk a few bars down to a rather bedraggled, boring bar which seems to have been tacked onto the end of a street.  It has a small bar, with some bar stools which are occupied by some ex-pat women, and a mix of Thai men and women.

We order some drinks and a Thai lady aged about 50, who looks like a good Thai home-maker, married with 3 kids brings the drinks over and sits down. Richard introduces the lady to us as Ying. I smile and shake her hand and say how nice it is to meet her. “And Ying”, he says proudly “is a hooker”.  “She’s my hooker”  and with that he grabs her round the waist and starts nuzzling into her neck…Hmm, this is one Bangkok sight I didn’t intend to see – we make our excuses and leave!

Finally, at our hotel I am scavenging through the mini-bar for a late night snack and I burst out laughing to find the following: no potato crisps for me – but I can have mixed fruit condoms!!

  1. Sam

    Nick – thanks for the heads up. Cabbages & Condoms looked great, but unfortunately we’re no longer in Bangkok.

    Rich – Glad you’re liking it!

    Jo – what can I say – there’s nothing virtual about what’s going on out here 🙂

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